THE BALLAD OF A BOOKSELLER

Sometime in the late 1990's, we lost a great deal of everything we have worked for.  A bit discouraged and unsure of what to do, I fell back to my usual way of comforting myself - watching DVD movies with my wife and 5 kids. We were watching " The Lion King " for the nth time, enjoying every minute of it, until it hit me :

Timon was explaining to Simba his vision of peace and happiness - " When the world turn its back on you, you turn your back against the world. Hakuna Matata, it means no worries for the rest of your life. Its a problem-free philosophy, "Hakuna Matata"."

It sounded like a pretty good idea at the time so I thought of giving it a try. With 5 kids in tow, the eldest at only 7 years of age, lost our home, our store, and buried neck-deep in debt, how could I possibly deal with tomorrow. All I have were 5 innocent happy faces, not knowing what was going on, to remind me that I can't give up. But if you have enough faith, miracles do happen. We we're able to keep our head above water, love and happiness never left the small world me, my wife, our 5 kids, the books, the movies, and the TV set created. 

In those years, I've had a lot of  God-defining moments as I tried to keep my sanity. I have to keep away from everything that will remind me of my anger and other negative feelings, so I kept my distance and built a wall of books around me. The bookstore became my comfort zone, our rented apartment became our little paradise, the stories we shared and the movies we watched together were the "cushions" we clang on each time we experience those hungry days.

I  Miss the Hungry Years ...

I use to wonder how my life turned up to be this tough
I use to have a good job, was earning more than enough 
But the system's so corrupt you gotta look the other way
Some sense of guilt crept I felt,  each time I get my pay

Guess I was kind'a stupid, oh so many times I was told
Giving up a career, a good paying job paved with gold
Now standing behind a counter surrounded with books
Its worth gold each day than be surrounded with crooks

Lot of guys out there who  have pure heart and mindset
They have no choice they say, and well they too gotta eat
You can't fight a system by continually hating every beat
But sadly you can't run through a rain without getting wet

You just can't start raising waves when there are no wind
You gotta dance to their tunes, work, hope to be a captain
Once you're on top, then maybe you can change the system
If you can't stand the heat, you gotta get out of the kitchen

Really its hard to handle the truth for I was not that good
I cannot hope to rise with my skills and my kind of  attitude
My heart was not into it, I have to find, travel another road
A place I could be useful, be happy and free until I grow old

Today we're down I'm no longer looking for the profit margin
The bookstore so I hope will be here to stay until I am walking
It may look like a mess, a little grim, to some a job too boring
But to me its a paradise,  reading, learning, a legacy building

Anyway my kids are all fine, surely they will never fail like me
Only did what I thought was right at the time its all that I can be
Guess I may have been a failure, unable to provide them luxury
One thing I can say, the stories I told made them really happy ...  

THEY CALL HIM MISTER OTS

" Condolence po."  Mario Pangilinan, an old friend said, as I introduced him to my wife. I haven't seen him for 35 years and he hasn't changed much except for some white hair that highlighted his sides.  Still a tricky joker, he has progressed himself into a high ranking official in one of the country's government corporation.  We were seated together along with some old high school friends, Leandro Carreon, Claudio "Ding" Teodoro, Antonio Nanadiego and Bobby Lardizabal. It was big gathering of former schoolmates and almost half of the attendees took flights back home just to be present for the special get-together. Its not everyday that you get to meet the "past" in person.

It was a group effort but I guess everyone agreed that it was made possible by the guy they called Mister Ots. It all started with a website he developed to search for batchmates through the power of the internet.  From all parts of the globe, the search went on. And one guy, nicknamed the Admiral came all the way from Scandinavia.  Most balikbayans came from the US and Canada. Funny to think that all these people started out from the same school, headed different directions, and then decided to bump into each other at least for once.

I was happy to be there. I guess everybody shared the feeling. But like a square peg trying to fit a round hole, its simply the kind of world I don't want to be in.  Detached as I was for many years, I need the space to write about the people I grew up with, them included, and I have but a few years left to come up with something. I have lagged so far behind, I need to double up my keeps so I could be at par when the golden anniversary comes a few years from now.

I love watching this film clip.  I remember the Sinatra song "New York, New York".  I guess in them I saw the life that could not be mine.  They are the poetic eagles, soaring through the heights to see how far they can go while I became the "oyster", stuck in one place and hoping to create a pearl inside me. 

UST-EHS  will always be a part of me.